Tag: Empathy

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Never Split the Difference

Oscar Pérez de la Fuente

Carlos III University of Madrid

https://orcid.org/0000-0002-3708-846X

Abstract

This paper reviews Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference through the lens of the Minerva Strategy Blog, contrasting the “art” of negotiation derived from hostage-crisis practice with the “science” of negotiation associated with the Harvard Negotiation Project. It highlights how Voss challenges rational-actor assumptions by foregrounding empathy, emotional attachment, and perception management as decisive factors in bargaining. Central to the analysis is Voss’s claim that eliciting “that’s right” signals genuine understanding and can unlock cooperative behaviour more effectively than a simple “yes” or “you’re right.” The discussion also examines Voss’s scepticism toward “middle ground” compromises, juxtaposing this stance with standard negotiation concepts such as BATNA and reservation thresholds. Additional attention is given to time pressure and deadlines as drivers of impulsive concessions, and to emotionally loaded terms—especially “fair”—as rhetorical devices that shift leverage by forcing defensive reactions. Finally, the paper considers “anchoring” as a method for shaping the counterpart’s reality by setting extreme reference points that make subsequent offers appear reasonable. Overall, the text presents Voss’s techniques as a pragmatic, psychologically informed toolkit that complements, and sometimes conflicts with, orthodox negotiation theory.

Keywords: empathy, negotiation tactics, anchoring, BATNA

ISSN: 3127-3408

https://doi.org/10.67647/minervastrategy.2026.08

In the opening pages of the book Never Split the Difference. Negotiating as if your life depended on it, the author, Chris Voss, is set to meet with several professors from the Harvard Negotiation Project. Chris Voss was a local police officer who had been promoted to the FBI and was part of a team that used hostage negotiation techniques. He embodied the art of negotiation, which is the practical application of various techniques and principles to strategic scenarios. The Harvard Negotiation Project represents the science of negotiation, where categories, terminology and analysis are established and based on certain assumptions, such as the idea that human beings are rational. 

Below, I will analyse Chris Voss’s book Never Split the Difference. Negotiating as if your life depended on it from the perspective of the Minerva Strategy Blog. It is remarkable because the Spanish title translation of this book is slightly different: Breaking Through the ‘No’ Barrier. 9 principles for negotiation as if your life depended on it. This implies some different nuances from languages perspective.

In the chapter Trigger the Two Words That Immediately Transform Any Negotiation, Voss carries out an analytical exercise in which he links the positive affirmation of empathy with the emotions and emotional attachment involved. He states: “Creating unconditional positive regard opens the door to a changing thought and behaviours. Humans have an innate urge toward socially constructive behaviour. The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behaviour will take hold” (Voss, 2016, 112).

In short, when someone feels understood, they adopt a more constructive attitude. The conclusion is that the key words in any negotiation scenario are ‘that’s right’. Voss adds, “’That is right’ is better than “yes”. Strive for it. Reaching ‘that’s right’ in a negotiation creates breakthroughs.” But he clarifies that a ‘that’s right’ is not a ‘yes’ or a ‘you’re right’ (Voss, 2016, 112)

In the chapter entitled Bend Their Reality, Voss focuses on the topic of true interests and how differing perceptions and signals can sometimes distort approaches in negotiation scenarios. It is interesting because Voss’s views stem from the art of negotiation and his professional experience in FBI negotiation teams, and some of them are at odds with what is usually said in the science of negotiation.

It is one thing for the parties to make statements in formal settings, but quite another to understand their true interests. Before entering into negotiations, it is important to be clear about one’s own interests and to have the best possible information about the other party’s interests. It is also important to be clear about the best strategy for mutually defending the interests of both parties or, at least, the best way to reconcile them.

In another part of the book, Voss states: “Splitting the difference of wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides.” (Voss, 2016, 139)

The middle ground is usually seen as an impartial basis for reaching an agreement. Before any negotiation begins, each party must be clear about: a) what their best alternative to negotiation (BATNA) is; b) what their satisfaction threshold is, or their specific minimum and maximum objectives in the negotiation. Negotiating involves giving something up to obtain, in return, something desired. It is a kind of transaction. To this end, information regarding the interests and expectations of both parties is key. This is what the science of negotiation would say; however, as we have seen, the art of negotiation is wary of middle ground.  

Later, in Never Split the Difference, we read that the looming deadline urges people to try to wrap up negotiations as quickly as possible and to act impulsively in ways that go against their own interests.

Ultimatums and deadlines are sometimes a negotiation tactic or gambit. On other occasions, they provide a good excuse to move the negotiation forward. Here, Voss warns us about the tendency to make concessions—which would otherwise not be made—under the influence of these time-sensitive circumstances. One must remain vigilant and know not to give in on points previously deemed non-negotiable.  

Voss also argues that the ‘J-bomb’—the term ‘fair’—is a concept with great emotional impact for people, who often use it to put the other party on the defensive and force them to make concessions. If the other party drops that bomb, don’t fall into the trap. Instead, ask them why they claim you are being unfair to them (Voss, 2016, 139).

Another negotiation tactic or gambit involves manipulating the perceptions and emotions of the parties by using emotionally charged terms such as fair, objective, impartial, neutral, etc. Although this may be a good way of reaching agreements in this manner, it is always worth analysing who stands to lose and who stands to gain from the application of these ‘abstract’ criteria, which are presented as magic potions for solving problems. 

In another passage of the book Never Split the Difference, Voss states that it is possible to shape the other party’s reality by setting their starting point. Before making an offer, you can emotionally anchor their mindset by making them believe they are about to receive a terrible offer. When the time comes to put a figure on the table, you set an extreme benchmark to make the ‘real’ offer seem more reasonable, or you offer a range to appear less aggressive. The true value of anything depends on the perspective from which it is viewed (Voss, 2016, 139).

References

Voss, Chris, Raz, Tahl (2016), Never split the difference. Negotiating as if your life depended on it, Harper Collins Publishers, Kindle edition. 

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The power of empathy

Oscar Pérez de la Fuente

Universidad Carlos III de Madrid

https://orcid.org/0000-0002-3708-846X

Abstract

This paper examines the strategic value of empathy in difficult negotiations, drawing on Deepak Malhotra’s discussion of “The Power of Empathy” and situating it within a broader framework of negotiation methods associated with the Harvard Negotiation Project. Rather than treating empathy as a purely moral stance, the analysis presents it as an information‑gathering and option‑expanding tool: understanding the other party’s constraints, identity-linked drivers, and perceptions can reveal hidden interests and unlock agreements that preserve dignity while improving outcomes. The paper contrasts practical “rules” for interpersonal conduct—golden, silver, and bronze—as different strategic postures for managing reciprocity and potential exploitation. It then explores a central tension in bargaining between strategic flexibility and credibility, highlighting how negotiators can design proposals that allow counterparts to “save face” without sacrificing intelligent solutions. Finally, the text considers the role of threats and ultimatums, arguing that reframing and integrating them into a wider negotiation structure can reduce escalation and keep channels open. Throughout, the paper emphasizes trilateral thinking: third parties frequently shape interests, alternatives, and perceived power, and empathetic analysis should extend to these external influences. The overall contribution is a concise, strategy-oriented interpretation of empathy as a mechanism for diagnosing conflict dynamics and enlarging the set of viable, durable settlements.

Keywords: empathy, negotiation, credibility, flexibility, positions, interests

ISSN: 3127-3408

https://doi.org/10.67647/minervastrategy.2026.01

The Harvard Negotiation Project at the Harvard Business School has developed a   Negotiation Method, the principles of which are explained in the best-selling book  Getting to Yes. How to negotiate without giving in, by Robert Fisher and William Ury. Another Harvard professor, Deepak Malhotra, has a book entitled Negotiating the Impossible. How to break deadlocks and resolve ugly conflicts (without money or muscle) , where he analyses how they act in the context of complicated negotiations. 

Below, we will analyse some of Malhotra’s advice in the section of his book on complex negotiations, ‘The Power of Empathy’, from the perspective of the Minerva Strategy Blog.

Empathy expands the set of options you have for resolving the conflict. The better you understand the other side’s perspective, the more likely you are to find a solution (Malhotra, 2016, 128)..

Empathy is often understood as putting oneself in another’s situation.  The  Golden Rule  maintains that “treat others as you would like to be treated.” A good exercise is to ask yourself: if I were in the other person’s situation, how would I like to be treated and how would I behave? This rule is fine, but it should include safeguards to prevent exploitation. The Silver Rule states: “Do not do unto others what you would not have them do unto you.” This would be a practical application of empathy. However, ultimately, there is the Bronze Rule: “Do unto others as others do unto you.” This would be an extreme form of reciprocity and, at times, the mere possibility of applying this Bronze Rule may have strategic value.

Empathy is needed most with people who seem to deserve it least. The more intolerable their behaviour, the greater the potential benefit of understanding it (Malhotra, 2016, 128)..

There may be individuals with challenging personalities or who find themselves in complicated situations, or who may behave unusually due to cultural, religious, gender, disability, or other identity factors.

The relevant issue is that, in business contexts, information about the parties’ backgrounds is key. This data can help explain certain behaviours and attitudes, and/or justify each party’s actions and action plan from their point of view. This exercise in understanding the other party can be useful, as it can highlight differences in interests, assessments or perceptions that may be of strategic interest.

There is almost always a trade-off between maintaining strategic flexibility and safeguarding credibility (Malhotra, 2016, 130).

The term trade-off is used in economics as a synonym for compromise, referring to a situation in which gains are made on one side, but losses are incurred on the other. 

Credibility is the degree to which others believe that we will follow through on our commitments. From the deontological ethical model, Kant is the ultimate example of credibility, as he maintained that promises must always be kept. Strategic flexibility is the option to change one’s mind if continuing with previous commitments seems unwise. In the Machiavelic ethical model, Machiavelli is the paradigm of strategic flexibility; for example, in chapter XVIII of The Prince, he analyses whether the prince should keep his word. 

Typically, Malhotra asserts, we want as much credibility as possible while maintaining flexibility. However, if we invest more in strategic flexibility, we typically have less credibility, and vice versa. 

Don’t force people to choose between doing what is smart and what save face (Malhotra, 2016, 132)..

A first rule of negotiation, linked to empathy, is that proposals for agreement and subsequent negotiations should be framed so that one party is trying to “save face” for the other. In other words, consider the specific consequences the proposed deal will have for the other party. But here, Malhotra, in line with the Harvard Negotiation Project, goes further and calls for the other party to be provided with an intelligent solution. This means the other party must also consider it a good agreement. 

Ignore ultimatums. The more attention you give to them, the harder it will be for the other side to back down if the situation changes (Malhotra, 2016, 145).

Ultimatums can be seen as threats. A distinction should be made between business threats and real threats. The former plays a strategic role in negotiation, and the key is their credibility in the eyes of the other party. Real threats will entail a specific response, with negative consequences, towards certain behaviours. Malhora’s advice is to ignore ultimatums and threats and reformulate them so they can be incorporated into the broader negotiating framework. 

Think trilaterally: evaluate how third parties influence or alter the interests, constraints, and alternatives of those at the table (Malhotra, 2016, 161).

In certain negotiations, the weight and influence of third parties are very present, conditioning the entire negotiating framework, whether in terms of interests, communication between the parties, or perception. A key point from this perspective is the real power of third parties in the framework, development, and agreement of the negotiation, and the type of link that connects the other negotiating party and the third party. If the real power and influence of the third party are strong, there is no doubt that we must think trilaterally; even if they are somewhat weaker, it is worth considering the third party’s power and influence in favour of our cause. 

References

Malhotra, Deepak (2016), Negotiating the Impossible. How to Break Deadlocks and Resolve Ugly Conflicts (Without Monet or Muscle), Oakland: Bernett-Koehler  Published.

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Put yourself in your shoes: from self-criticism to self-understanding

Oscar Pérez de la Fuente

Carlos III University of Madrid

https://orcid.org/0000-0002-3708-846X

Abstract

This review examines William Ury’s Getting Yes with Yourself. Overcoming Inner Obstacles to Successful Negotiation as a significant shift in negotiation theory from the analysis of the other party toward deeper self-understanding. While classic negotiation literature emphasizes identifying interests, intentions, and emotions across the table, Ury argues that effective negotiation begins with the ability to recognize and regulate one’s own inner reactions. The text highlights three practical movements in this process: observing oneself “from the balcony,” listening empathetically to one’s own feelings, and uncovering the needs that underlie emotional responses. These practices allow negotiators to move from self-judgment to self-awareness, improving emotional balance, clarity of purpose, and responsiveness in conflict situations. The article shows that this inward turn does not replace attention to the other party, but rather strengthens it by making genuine listening and perspective-taking possible. In this sense, Ury’s proposal links negotiation, emotional intelligence, and personal development, presenting self-knowledge as a precondition for constructive dialogue and more sustainable agreements in personal and professional contexts.

Keywords: needs, emotions, empathy, self-criticism, self-understanding

ISSN: 3127-3408

https://doi.org/10.67647/minervastrategy.2024.17

Most books on negotiation tend to focus on the fact that the key to success lies in knowing the other party’s intentions, true interests, and even any details that provide some information about the other party. This is why it is crucial to know how to listen and to develop emotional intelligence techniques as the basis for a good strategy. 

However, it is no less true that knowing one’s own values and knowing how to manage one’s reactions are essential elements of a negotiation strategy. It is precisely this shift towards one’s own expectations and perspectives that is the focus of the book Getting Yes with Yourself. Overcoming Inner Obstacles to Successful Negotiation, (2015) by William Ury. 

This author is co-founder of the Harvard Negotiation Project and, previously, he had written, together with Roger Fisher, the world-famous negotiation manual entitled Getting to Yes. The Art of Negotiating Without Giving In. Following on from this famous manual, he reflects on his new work on focusing on the agent’s perspective, expectations, and reactions rather than the other party with whom he interacts to achieve his objectives.

After all, negotiation is an exercise of influence in which you try to change another person’s perspective. The first step, Ury explains, in achieving this goal is to understand where their opinions come from. However, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes can be very difficult, especially in a conflict or negotiation. Different cultures and religions have moral precepts based on reciprocity, altruism, and otherness, such as the Golden Rule of Humanity. 

There is a crucial, often overlooked, preliminary move that can help us clarify both what we want and what the other person wants. That move is to put ourselves first. Listening to ourselves can reveal what we really want while clearing our minds and allowing us to listen to other people and understand what they really want.

Putting yourself in your shoes may look strange at first glance, because, after all, aren’t you already in your shoes? (Ury, 2015, 15).  But doing it properly is not as easy as it might seem, because our natural tendency is to judge ourselves critically and to ignore or reject parts of ourselves.

According to Ury, there are three actions that can help us: first, see ourselves from the balcony; second, go deeper and listen empathetically to our underlying feelings and what they are really telling us; and third, go even deeper and discover our needs.

Look at yourself from the balcony

In his lectures and writings, Ury emphasises the idea of going out on the balcony (Ury, 2015, 20). The balcony is a metaphor for a place of perspective, tranquillity, self-control, and calm. We are all actors on the stage of life, so balconies are places from which we can see the whole play and develop with greater clarity to observe ourselves. It is important to go out on the balcony at any time, especially before, during and after a problematic conversation or negotiation. This is really relevant for better management of emotions in negotiations.

Empathetic listening

Empathy and sympathy are always confused, but they are different. Sympathy is feeling sorry for a person’s situation, but not necessarily understanding it. Empathy, however, means understanding what it feels like to be in that situation.

Listening to oneself with empathy is on a deeper level than observing. Observing means seeing from the outside, while listening means feeling from the inside inside (Ury, 2015, 28). Observing gives you a distant view, while listening gives you an intimate understanding.

In this regard, Ury uses this image: When I do my daily exercise each morning, I imagine sitting at a kitchen table to understand and then use the intensity of these feelings. Every thought or emotion related to the family, such as anxiety, fear or shame, is displayed. I offer them a fictitious seat and so I have learned to welcome everyone. I would like to treat them like my old friends or acquaintances. Like a whole table in the kitchen. I listen to the free dialogue of thoughts and feelings.

This image of the kitchen table implies that we must know how to listen to our feelings and give them a place, but the essential thing is to know how to manage emotions properly. This sometimes means balancing emotions and reasons. 

Uncover your needs

Ury argues that we can question ourselves about what is not suitable for us. In what aspects of our lives are we not completely happy or fulfilled? Does work, money, family, relationships, health, or general well-being matter? Is it normal to experience feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, or sadness when your needs are not met? What do you want most? What are your primary motivations? The better you understand your needs, the more likely you are to be able to meet them. 

As simple and natural as it sounds, putting yourself in your place – in your shoes– to see yourself from the balcony, to listen to yourself with empathy, and to discover your underlying needs are often difficult tasks. The path from self-criticism to self-understanding requires constant effort.

References

Ury, William (2015), Getting Yes with Yourself. Overcoming Inner Obstacles to Successful Negotiation, London: Harper Collins Pusblishers.  
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